Cafe News, Volume 12

           Give me a moment to explain. I never wanted it like this. In my mind, I’m not even here. This is just the universe paralleling my true reality. Or identity. Take your pick. The fact is, I’m somewhere else, and this is only the negative image of my real life. Everything here is an antonym of the truth. Every choice I make here is wrong, every reaction the opposite of what truly occurred. In my world, I never met you, I never loved you, and I never sought to die so soon. In that perfect construct, I am happy and she never left. We’re sitting together eating dinner at a restaurant in the state capitol, looking foolish like old couples in love often do.         

           The funny thing, as I sit here observing myself over a pint of the local brew, is that I don’t think I look foolish and I don’t feel the slightest bit jealous. I see myself and I’m amazed. There is so much space between here and there, so much space contained in such a minute distance. Hell, I’m only fourteen feet from myself and still a universe away from perfection.

          Beer is good and, as Ben Franklin mentioned, is proof that God loves us. A truth, I believe, but there is a big difference between Ben and me. Ben took for granted there actually was a God. He made man in his likeness and the world in seven days. In my day, God barely exists and man was formed in the likeness of a random, mathematically improbable happenstance. More proof I’m living in a false existence.

          God or no God, this isn’t Hell, even if it seems like it at times. Hell is infinitely terrible, and this is tolerable, if not downright pleasant on occasion. I said it was a negative image, and even a perfect curve has its low points.

          I was watching an ant on the railing, foreground to a mass of mountains the ant couldn’t begin to comprehend, when I realized how good life really is. Why am I so terrified by its potential? It barely concerns me or rather I barely concern it, although without me it would not exist. This place looks so perfect, sometimes I wonder if perhaps I’m mistaken. Maybe this is perfection, and I’ve done nothing but suffer to destroy it. Maybe I already have it all. Maybe a parallel universe does exist, much to my chagrin, in which I am much more miserable. Or ineffectual. Take your pick.

          Fact is, it’s up to me to determine. My perspective is my own, and although I’m sharing it with you today, it is still from your perspective that you examine it. Each of us is trapped in a single piece of the puzzle. Properly assembled, we might amount to something tangible. Separate, we are simply a glimpse of our greater potential.

          Except in a moment. Only moments are unique. Each one a being unto itself, seamlessly separate. Only in a moment can we coexist. Only in a moment do you see what I see.

          I’ve been replaced by another. She smiled at me, and in this action I recognized myself. She’s happy, sort of. But disappointed too. Finally getting what you wanted is always just that. A bitter sweetness.

          I sign my bill and walk away. The café can’t help me tonight.

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